Switch Things Up! Keep It Fresh! (Masturbation May)

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Has it been a whole year already? Masturbation month has finally rolled back around! So let’s challenge ourselves to do a whole month of masturbation practice!

I’m totally serious!

Whether you are partnered – monogamous or polyamorous, or living the single life by choice or circumstance, everyone can benefit from masturbation.

• It is a great reliever of stress;
• Masturbation is a way to wake up or get relaxed;
• It’s a way to pass the time;
• Masturbation can be fun on your own, or with a partner, or in a group setting;
• Self-pleasuring can be a time to try out something new like some different strokes or a toy.

Since this is the start of May, it could be a really fun challenge to do something a little different each day.

• Try using your non-dominant hand;
• Get out that toy that you rarely use;
• Self-pleasure in the shower or bath;
• Masturbate in front of a mirror;
• Vary your position.

There are 31 days to discover new possibilities and sensations. Mix it up! The goal does not have to be to have an orgasm, just to experiment and experience sensations every day of the month. Have fun with it! And don’t forget to breathe!

Sexological Bodywork

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Sexological Bodywork is a modality of sex education that has been around since 2003. Originally developed by Joseph Kramer, it is a way to teach and facilitate embodiment through conscious breath, movement, touch, and sound. Sometimes Sexological Bodywork is synonymous with Somatic Sex Education – somatic meaning “of the body.” It can be a hands on tool to teach people how to expand their capacity for pleasure and body awareness, but it does not always involve touch. When touch is involved, according to the standards and ethics of the Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers, it is one-way touch that is gloved, with the Bodyworker always clothed.

Sexological Bodywork is an umbrella term for various experiences. The Bodyworker is there to facilitate those experiences with tools they have learned throughout their training. Under this large net, there is masturbation witnessing and coaching, sex education (which can include lessons in genital anatomy), pleasure and sensation mapping, Taoist Erotic Massage, and scar tissue remediation as well as working to dispel shame around one’s body or sexuality.

The building blocks of Sexological Bodywork are conscious breath and movement. Yes, we all breathe all the time, but we don’t usually think about it. As a culture, many of us are very shallow breathers. This is because we are constantly stressed. Our nervous systems’ “flight or flight” response is often activated. In part, a Sexological Bodyworker works with their clients to make them more aware of their breath. Expanding belly breaths, pelvic breathing, bottom breathing, and variations of these with patterns and releasing sound can be a very enlightening, profound experience.

Somatic sex education, or Sexological Bodywork, can be incredibly healing, but Bodyworkers are not healers. They don’t promise to “fix” you and are not therapists. It is a different modality which can help a client into their body for quicker growth than can usually be accomplished in talk therapies.

Transference is not uncommon in Sexological Bodywork. A professional Bodyworker will acknowledge from the beginning that emotions and intimacy can develop, but at the same time reminding their client that this is a safe container in which they can explore those emotions without crossing preset boundaries. There should always only be clothed one-way touch which is gloved when there is genital touch. Other kinds of bodywork sessions might not adhere to these standards, but it is important to know that those are not Sexological Bodywork.

If you’ve ever received a full body massage and thought it was a bit strange that the genitals were left out, you might consider searching for your local Sexological Bodyworker to inquire about a session.

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

SEX.

It’s a three letter word. It’s a weighty word, for sure. It has so many different meanings for different people. Those of us of a certain age know all too well the infamous comment President Clinton said in the ’90s, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” For a time, this sparked a discussion about what “sex” is. Guess what? I’m bringing the conversation back!

Well, what is it? What do you think? How do you  define “sex?”

This definition dilemma comes up when talking to a potential new partner. Or to a nurse at Planned Parenthood when you’re getting screened for STIs. “How many sexual partners have you had (over the past year)?”

What is a sexual partner? Does there have to be penetration? If so, is it any penetration? Oral? PV? What about anal? Does it “count” if you used barriers? What if there was no “real” penis? What if you used a dildo or a strap on? What if you and your partner have similar body parts? What if you “only” masturbated together? What if… if… if…

It gets confusing, to say the least. Even if one person has a definition for their own activities, it may or may not match up with another person’s definition.

Does sex have different definitions depending on who your partner is? Does emotion or attachment factor into it? Do you have to be in a relationship? If it’s a casual situation, does the definition change if you “stay the night?” Is it sex if you (or your partner) didn’t have an orgasm?

The biggest and best part about learning about sex and sexuality is that we get to create our own definitions and labels. It would make things a lot simpler and quicker if there was one operational definition for sex. We would know exactly what another person meant when they say “I had the best sex of my life last night” or “I’ve had six sexual partners over the last year.”

It gets even more confusing when we start talking in euphemisms. Saying things like, “I was ‘with’ her last weekend” or “I thought you knew we’d ‘hooked up.’” You were “with” someone? Are we back to talking in bible-speak? What does hooking up mean, anyway? I’m not giving answers at the moment, just getting the wheels in our heads moving so we think about our language and word choice.

Because we get to create our own definitions, we actually have a wonderful opportunity to have a discussion. Ask the other person questions. What does sex mean to you? If you’re having this conversation with a new partner, this is a good time to talk about safer sex methods and STIs.

Discussing your sexual history with a potential partner can be a fun experience of getting to know one another. You don’t have to think of it as comparing to an ex or a previous partner; our partnered interactions can change over time. You may find you enjoy certain things more with this person than you have with anyone in the past. It’s all relative.

Online Dating

Let’s face it. It’s 2013. If by now you personally have not been involved in online dating, chances are pretty dang high that you know someone who has. So, what’s the deal with online dating?

In our busy lives we still yearn and long for a person to person connection. But it can be intimidating to go up to a relative stranger and just strike up a conversation. One of the great benefits (which might also be a downfall) of online dating is that you can create a profile to showcase all the great things that make you you. The reason I say it can also be a downfall is that it’s pretty rare that anyone would be upfront about the less than great sides of themselves.

What makes a good impression? What gets people interested enough to reach out and send a message or respond to one?

It’s very important when taking that great leap to make an effort. It really comes through in text. A well-constructed, thought out message is more likely to get a positive reception. You have to show you read the other person’s profile. Comment on something that stuck out to you, ask them a question based on what you read. There is no way for me to guarantee that you’ll get a response, but putting in a small amount of effort really makes it more appealing to respond as compared with vague and terribly constructed messages of “Hey sweety. How u doin?” Ew. I don’t know about you, maybe I’m too picky, but those kinds of messages read to me as “Creeper” and make my skin crawl.

• Don’t send a message saying you think I’m sexy and basically nothing else.
• Don’t send a message asking me for my number.
• Don’t send a message asking whether I live near certain streets – this makes me feel unsafe and threatened, as though I’m being stalked.
• Don’t share your number in the first message, asking me to text you.
• Do ask genuine questions about me and my interests.
• Do strike up a (respectful) conversation based on some of the match questions or other things we might have in common.

Other than those few suggestions, it’s important to have at least a few current photos of yourself that are well-lit and as accurate as possible. Having blurry or outdated pictures is inexcusable in this day and age. And who do you think you’re fooling? If you plan on meeting someone, they are going to see what you really look like in person anyway. Take it somewhat seriously, but have fun at the same time. Fill out all the sections and try to portray yourself as accurately as possible. Hopefully, you’ll soon be meeting plenty of wonderful potential partners!

Anal Play: Butt Sex Basics

What is your first reaction when you think of Anal Sex?

Despite still being considered taboo by many, anal sex is becoming quite a common sexual activity. It’s becoming quite popular in mainstream porn. Anal play is still surrounded by some negativity and misconceptions. It’s not unusual for straight men to be concerned that any interest in engaging in the receiving side of anal pleasure, let alone actually doing it, would “make them gay.” But as a matter of fact, more straight couples than gay couples currently engage in anal sex. The only thing that “makes” a person gay is their own self-identification.

Getting into anal play takes some mental work. In a way, it’s kind of an acquired taste. It’s pretty common for people to try it out with little information ahead of time and then write it off as “not for them” because it was a negative experience. You’re not alone!

Unfortunately, unlike PV (penis-vagina penetration) anal sex takes a bit of know-how. Anal sex is riskier than PV. The lining inside the rectum is thinner than that inside the vagina and does not self lubricate. As such, it is imperative to use some kind of lube when you start to play with the booty. Some of the best recommendations of lube for anal play are silicone varieties such as Pjur and Sliquid Silver. Silicone is often recommended because it is condom friendly, and it lasts much longer than water-based lube.

[My suggestion is: Get over to your local Adult Store and sample the different brands! And don't be afraid to ask the sales clerks; if they give you any flack or attitude get out of there and find a higher quality store.]

Back to lubes: While silicone is a great suggestion, not everyone likes the feel of it. Not everyone wants to shell out beaucoups bucks for it. Understandable. You can, of course use water-based lubes for anal play. They’re condom compatible, obviously, which is a major bonus. I recommend ones that are gel varieties such as Sliquid Sassy, which will provide a bit more cushion compared to water-based lubes that are more liquidy.

The number one rule for anal play, whether partnered or solo, is: Go Slow!

The second rule: Listen to your body! There is a difference between uncomfortable because it’s new and ouch-that-hurts-make-it-stop. On a very serious note: You really should not be inebriated when you start playing. Getting drunk or high or whatever, dulls your nerves. I acknowledge the difference between one drink to take the edge off, but you need to be coherent because…..

Rule number three: Warm up! Just like you might stretch before a workout, unless you’re quite advanced with anal, you’re going to want to ease into it, and work your way up.

Rule four: Communication is paramount when you are exploring anal with a partner. And if you’ve been drinking you might not realize that you’re in actual pain and need to slow down or stop. Or you may have lost some of your verbal capabilities to let your partner know something needs to change. A position so that you can still see facial expressions is a bonus when possible. (Think: receiver on their back as in the missionary position.)

Some people are fine with just using fingers (and lube!), but for other people fingers are pokey and have jarring angles (and calluses and nails! yikes!). If you’re not quite ready to invest in toys for your booty, you might just get some latex or nitrile gloves (like medical exam gloves, which you can pick up at any drugstore) to make it smoother.

If you’re ready to make the leap to toys, I again, recommend going to your local high quality sex toy store and chatting with the staff. I realize that some products can get pricey, but it’s this sexologist’s opinion that you need to invest in the best. You don’t want to save some money and have just a mediocre experience, or even a “bad” experience. I suggest for first timers, to try high quality silicone toys which can be easily cleaned and sanitized. And remember that you can always pop a condom over a toy to make clean up even easier. Make sure to get toys that have a flared base! You do not want to deal with the worry and anxiety that comes with an ER visit where you tell your doctor that you “slipped” and landed just so – butt first. Seriously. Flared base.

When and if you get more advanced and if you should so choose, you might experiment with different sized butt plugs and anal beads. You could also check out the different materials such as stainless steel – quite weighty, but very easy to sanitize, or glass – weighty and with easy clean up, and sometimes with interesting features like bumps and ridges.

For people with a prostate: there are some awesome toys by Aneros which were designed for you. (I admit, I’m a little envious.)

Some of you, while intrigued, might be hesitant because you’re concerned about cleanliness. Makes sense. For most people just regular showering and washing of the area should be enough. And to be honest, if you’re going to engage in butt play, sometimes shit happens. Just have baby wipes and towels nearby – no big deal.

So, to review: When you’re starting off with anal play make sure to Go Slow, Listen to your body, Warm up, and Communicate! And most important of all, have fun! 

Open Relationships

There are so many different kinds of  Open Relationships. 

Polyamory. Swingers. Soft swap. Threesomes. Foursomes. Group Sex. Polygyny. Polyandry. Polyfidelity. Non-monogamy.

I’m talking about consensual non-monogamy here, NOT having sex with someone other than the partner you are monogamous with (i.e. cheating). So what are all those words I wrote up above? Here is some general information (keep in mind that these might vary depending on the person or couple):

Polyamory – Literally multiple loves. People who identify as polyamorous might have a “main” partner called a primary while still being “free” to date and have other partners. Often, for poly people the focus is on relationships rather than having multiple sex partners.

Swingers - When you think swingers, do you have an image of the 70s? There was a tv show called “Swingtown” back in the summer of 2008. Where swingers differ from people who are polyamorous is that swingers often have “no strings attached” sex. They aren’t looking to date. They aren’t necessarily looking for people to add on to their current relationship.

Within swingers there are varying levels of “freedom.” [Note: I'm not implying that the opposite of freedom is ownership; swingers are not generally 24/7 Dominant/submissive or slave relationships where ownership might be more literal.] Many couples who are swingers have rules. There are two broad categories: soft swap and hard swap. For the most part, soft swap means that a couple might engage with a third person or another couple and do everything up to but not including penis in vagina (PV) penetration; kissing, petting, oral sex would be perfectly acceptable (with some variation). Hard swap couples generally would do all the things soft swap would, while including PV. I have to point out that I have heard of couples who identify as hard swap swingers who are fine with PV but not ok with kissing people other than their partner. To each their own. As long as everything is open and there is plenty of communication so that everyone involved is on the same page.

Threesomes/Foursomes/Group Sex – These groupings are mostly sexual which isn’t to suggest that people who engage in threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes don’t also have a relationship aspect to the sex they have. They can go hand in hand.

Polygamy – a marriage of more than two people.

Polygyny – a marriage with one man and multiple women (and there is no pairing between the wives). Practiced in many ancient (and not-so-ancient) religions.

Polyandry – a marriage with one woman and multiple men (and there is no pairing between the husbands). Practiced in some indigenous tribes.

Polyfidelity – also like a group marriage. Two (or more) married couples commit to being all together. If you watched the recent Showtime series Polyamory: Married and Dating you saw this. I’ll admit, it was a new idea to me, that actually makes plenty of sense.

All of what I talked about above are versions of open-relationships. There isn’t one way that is right or better or more valid. It can be difficult to think outside of the heterocentric, monogamous box that we as Westerners, particularly Americans, take for granted. There are many people who, by nature, do not fit into the role of monogamy, which is technically serial monogamy for most of us. The majority of monogamous people have had other partners in their lives… just one at a time.

Many of the people I have spoken to who are poly or in various forms of open-relationships tell me that they have so much love to give. They want to share it with others. They recognize that their partners do not belong to them. They see that they can’t or don’t need to be everything for one person; that there are other people who can fill certain roles in their partner’s life and they are not threatened by that.

I hope my readers don’t think I am advocating for non-monogamy. Not at all! Monogamy is also a valid lifestyle. But how often do we usually think that there are other kinds of relationships? In today’s modern, “civilized” society, monogamy is our default setting. How do we know that that’s what we’re “supposed” to do? Open-relationships and non-monogamy are NOT ways to save a troubled marriage. This will only exacerbate the issues that the couple is experiencing. Non-monogamy could be a way to enhance an already strong, trusting relationship  that has phenomenal communication.

Keep in mind that non-monogamy and open-relationships are on a spectrum. It could be occasional and not on-going. It could be as small and simple as being just a little bit more flirtatious with your server at a restaurant. The sexy and desirable feelings [NRE, or New Relationship Energy] you experience from sticking your toe out of the box just a smidgen can be channeled back into your relationship.

Even if you don’t go out and do anything, I encourage you to think about it. Talk to your partner. What do they think? How might you flex the boundaries of your relationship? Keep communication open and honest and don’t guilt your partner or feel any shame about what emotions might come up as you think about non-monogamy.

You Are More Than A Body Part

Back in June while I was at school, we were exposed to many panelists and some media that could potentially push our buttons sexually. Some things were easier to take than others. Not much can shock me any more. Believe me when I say that I do have plenty of areas that can still elicit the “squicked out” response. Where many people might not want to challenge themselves on sexual topics that might make them uncomfortable, that’s part of what becoming (and being) a sexologist is about. We have to be as educated as possible even on issues or concepts that don’t arouse us.

One piece of media we were exposed to brought to light something which quite honestly brought me to tears. The people in the film were all real. The woman in the film had undergone a double mastectomy. The change of her body had driven a wedge in her relationship with her (male) partner. He had pretty much rejected her and they were no longer intimate. He wouldn’t touch her. He didn’t know her any more. She craved what they had before: intimacy, love, compassion, caring, and touch. Through some very artful, magical, and gentle modeling, the couple was guided back to one another, to a healthier place (by none other than Dr. Ted McIlvenna, one of the founders of the Institute). By the end of the short film, the couple were closer and the male partner was not afraid of, or otherwise acting negatively toward his partner.

As I said, I was in tears watching this, as were many of my classmates. I put myself in the woman’s position. As a self-identified woman, I am very attached to my breasts. It’s true! They form a huge (pun, intended) part of me and my identity. What would I do? 

How would I feel if I were to lose a part of myself that forms a part of my sexual identity, my identity as a person? 

I had to think about it. There isn’t a right or wrong answer and I don’t know if what I have come up with is just a feeling I currently have or something that will stay with me always. There is no way to know unless one is in the situation.

So, this is what I’ve come up with so far:

I would mourn the loss of a body part, surely; perhaps as much as a loss of a loved one. I would grieve that it is no longer a part of me. But, I think, at some point, I would  feel grateful and blessed to be healthy and know that I am not defined by that part of myself. And all along I wish that my partner (if I should have one) would love me and care for me as before. Of course they will grieve as well. Instant change is challenging. But when challenges such as these show up, it’s time to step up and be there for one another.

The rejection I saw in the film was a part of the grieving process that had to take place. Where things went badly was when he couldn’t begin to move on with his partner. He longed for what was and in so doing he isolated her, making her bear the weight of her loss on her own.

Now, what can we all get out of this?

Remember that you are more than the sum of your parts. Your eyes, nose, chest, legs, butt, and feet make up all of you but there is more to you than these parts individually. To quote (well, paraphrase because grammar is a big deal to me) Kathryn Stockett, author of The Help “You are kind. You are smart. You are important.”

And so you are!

Sex and Gender

Growing up and living in a hetero-centric society, many people, especially those who identify as heterosexual (straight) and whose gender matches their born sex, never spend any time questioning or pondering their sexual orientation or their gender. It can be challenging to imagine other experiences if we cannot relate to them.

As always when perusing my blog, I wish for my readers to step back from their own experiences and think about what the alternatives are. This does not mean that you need to completely do a “180″ and change your entire world view or lifestyle, but it’s a great exercise in broadening your horizons.

[As I've done before, I will reference my own personal experiences a bit.]

As you all know by now, I’ve grown up and lived in West Hollywood my whole life. It’s one of the THE meccas of the Gay world. As an extension of that, I was exposed to Trans people and drag queens from a very early age. Not much can phase me any more. But since I embarked on my journey in the field of human sexuality over three years ago, I’ve had the opportunity several times to be exposed to many people and lectures which would fall under the umbrella term of “Transgender.”

Within the past nine months I have had two lectures on the topic; the first by the amazing Dr. Reece Malone a graduate of the Institute that I attend; and just a few weeks ago by Dr. Jody Schmidt who also graduated from IASHS. And another much more informal (which is saying something at the Institute) panel with a trans FtM individual. With each exposure I have had to a person who is trans, I am not only fascinated, but also so inspired and so touched when I hear that a person was finally able to fully embody and identify as the gender and/or body that they feel more accurately matches who they are.

You have no idea how important it is for a person who is transitioning to be addressed by their affirmed pronouns (he/she/they).

As a cisgender female, I have not spent much time debating whether I’m in the right body. My debates on my own body more have to do with body image issues and weight, not whether I have the right parts. There is no way for me to actually know what it’s like to be constantly conflicted about the body I was born with.

So, just to back track, because I have been all over the place here. Here are some definitions in case you are a little confused about terminology.

Sex: has to do with the reproductive organs one was born with. Male or female.

Gender: how one expresses themselves. Masculine or feminine.

Sexual orientation: the sexual and/or the emotional attraction to another person.

Sexual identity: the expression and self-perception of one’s sexual orientation.

Cisgender: people who identify as the sex and gender they were born as.

Transexual: having the irresistible urge to live as the oppose gender/sex.

Intersex: sex organs that don’t conform to strict definitions of male or female.

Drag Kings/Queens: dressing as the opposite sex for entertainment purposes.

Transvestite: dressing as the opposite gender. (Cross-dressing)

Transgender: the umbrella term for any expression/desire to be or appear as the opposite gender.

I have no way of knowing what my readers’ experiences are when it comes to this topic. I can only hope that by reading this, you can expand your knowledge and sex positivity that much more by reading this and challenging yourself to question and wonder what it’s like for a person who just doesn’t feel at home in the skin they were born in.

Think about it! Whether you are a born male or female, do you take it for granted that you are your assigned gender? What would it be like to be in the opposite gender’s role, clothing, or mind set? If we can all imagine what it’s like in another’s shoes, we can be one tiny step closer to both accepting others and ourselves.

Who Are You Sexually?

This question came to me during my first class back at the Institute this trimester. It was during a conversation I had in my class of one (yes, small class). John Bilorusky, President at the Western Institute for Social Research – WISR, was my professor for a class on research methods.

Since I am not one who plans to do much in the way of research, we ended up discussing less traditional kinds of research. Beyond that, we really delved into ways of expanding your knowledge. The idea of having blinders versus antennae, meaning very narrow or more open views.

John challenged me to start keeping a journal to foster ideas which would be really helpful in terms of my blog writing. Now, I’ll be perfectly honest, it’s extremely tough to add another thing on top of everything else I need to be doing so I’m not sure how faithful I’ll be to that one. However, even as we were talking, I came up with a great essay type of question which is very open-ended.

Thus, the title of this blog: Who are you sexually?

I’m sorry to disappoint my readers, but this isn’t one of those blogs with a lot of self-disclosure. It’s not meant for me to just ramble on and on about my turn-ons and and what my favorite things are, but rather this is to increase our awareness.

What a lot of sexologists and sex positive people often seem to harp on about is self-pleasuring. Getting to know how your body works. Find out the kinds of touch you enjoy and where you want to be touched. Learning about your own body by yourself first, will give you a huge advantage to incorporating what you like into partnered sex. Hopefully, knowing your own body, will give you the confidence and self-esteem to be able to confidently talk to your partner(s) about what you like, want, and need.

I challenge you to try a few new things which are a little out of your comfort zone and see if you can’t find something new and sexy that you enjoy.

A lot of the time (though we may have no conscious realization that it’s happening), we are pressured to have labels and to be forced into boxes. While I do see the need to have labels to some extent (it makes identifying something much simpler), it really limits people and does not allow for full expression.

There are many, many aspects to who we are. Just sticking within sexuality, there are tons of elements that make you you.

• Who you are sexually attracted to;
• Who you prefer to have relationships with;
• Who you like to fantasize about;
• What gender you identify as (whether that is or isn’t in line with your biological sex);
• What gender you mainly portray yourself as.

And on and on. Gender and sexuality are both more fluid than you might realize. Each day is a new one where you can decide which element of yourself you wish to share with the world. In the end we are all human and share similar experiences despite where we fall on some predetermined scale.  YOU define who you are and what your interests are.

So, challenge yourself to try something new. Read a new sexy book. Write your own sexy story. Fantasize. 

***As a side note: please feel free to write comments! I love comments, and can’t get enough! If you have suggestions for blog topics (stuff you want to read about) let me know! I can’t promise that I will answer everything, but I will do my best! Thanks for reading!!***

Masturbation May! More fun, All Year Long!

There is a lot that a we can do to make ourselves feel fabulous. Masturbation is one of them. It is a way to release our tensions both sexual and otherwise. But, if you do it in the same way every time, it might actually get boring. We wouldn’t want that. In this post, I want to suggest new ways to explore our bodies, not only for masturbation, but also so we can learn and experience new things about ourselves.

It might be a novel concept to some, it certainly was to me, when the idea was first introduced: Not going straight for your crotch when you are going to self-pleasure. This is a key concept particularly for those who want to have what are called “full-body orgasms.” While I’m sure it can happen, it’s not as likely to occur when all our sexual energy is focused on what is between our legs.

Ok, so, getting in touch with yourself, before you even start touching yourself. Everyone is busy now-a-days, something is always going on. There’s school, work, children and their various activities, illnesses, holidays, and on and on. We often fall into the trap of saying Tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. We have a finite amount of time left on Earth and there is no way to know when our last day is, so that old adage of  Don’t put off til tomorrow what you can do today is so important. In other words, let’s get in touch with ourselves!

As a society, we are constantly bombarded by various forms of media telling us that we are not enough: not thin enough, not tall enough, not “man” enough, not “woman” enough. What are these messages trying to tell us? Well, usually they want us to subscribe to something, buy a product – which may or may not deliver the promised results. These messages really hit home for me, personally.

I grew up overweight and I am still heavy as a twenty-something. For years I dieted, and hated myself for not being like the women in magazines. But what was that for? I must admit, I feel very fortunate to have gained some level of self-acceptance while I am relatively young. Trust me when I say, like just about anyone, there are days where I feel very unhappy with the body I have, or that I can’t fit into a certain garment, or that it doesn’t quite sit right on my short frame. I gave up on wishing for height, because it’s just not going to happen. I’ve made it into a joke now with my friends and family and it’s rather amusing that both of my younger siblings tower over me!

Letting go of what you cannot change is a huge first step in accepting who you are and what you have. Sometimes the things you don’t like so much about yourself, cannot be ignored or passed over, but remind yourself and realize that you are a whole package. You are not just your shortcomings, you are way, way more than them.

Next, you might want to consider what you want to change and how you might achieve that. Whether it’s to get an hour more sleep each night, hit the gym one more day a week (once is better than none at all!), get a new hairdo, learn to manage stress through breathing or finding a creative outlet, make it a small, easily achievable goal. You don’t want to set yourself up for failure by making the goal unrealistic. Don’t wish for the moon, stars, and the heavens unless you are willing to put in tons of equivalent effort. Remember that you get what you put into it. 

And of course, remember to relish the parts of yourself that you already love! If your eyes are your best feature, try highlighting them with fabulous eye makeup; If you have a slim waist, accentuate it with a belt to draw the eye to it. Pamper yourself!

[I realize that I've barely scratched the surface on self-image or body image issues, but I hope that the above suggestions give you some insight into really starting to love who you are.]

Now, that I’ve gone on a huge tangent, let’s get back to what this post was supposed to be about: Masturbation! The self acceptance that you incorporate into your very core, is just the start, a groundwork, if you will, to making your self pleasuring sessions that much more intense.

A few times this past week, I threw a question out via both my personal Facebook page and my Twitter account to hear people’s ideas on how they pamper themselves. It’s true, that this is not strictly about masturbation per se, however, it’s a building block to getting your body in tune for receiving any kind of pleasurable touch; reawakening your body, head to toe and everything in between. The ideas my friends and colleagues shared with me, didn’t cross my mind, but they sound so luxurious I can’t wait to try them out!

• Eating right and exercising;
• Treating oneself to pricier hair products;
• Taking a longer shower, or a scented bubble bath;
• Getting a massage or a facial;
• Using a favorite lotion (in this case Coconut Body Butter was suggested) and lathering it on right after a shower;
• Taking the time to scrub, exfoliate, shave/trim, and otherwise groom oneself so as to have silky soft skin;
• Listening to some fun (or sexy!) music which you can feel with your whole body and move to;
• Spending time with friends.

Essentially you want to not only engage what’s between your legs, but also what’s between the ears. By arousing the other parts of yourself, it will magnify your self pleasuring sessions.

As I mentioned before, you don’t want to just head for the crotch. When you’re going to get down with yourself, spend a few moments just breathing, feeling your heart beating. Touch yourself all over your body, anywhere you can comfortably reach, whilst avoiding the genitals. Incorporate a steamy fantasy if you wish. Mainly focus on how it feels to touch the spots you are touching – what your hand is feeling - and how it feels to be touched in those areas. Pay attention to whether a certain spot feels more sensitive, or ticklish, or sexy. Use different kinds of pressures in your touching. Try lightly versus more firmly. If you are using a vibrator, drag it along your skin (arms, wrists, thighs, behind the knees, etc.) and pay attention to the different sensations as they pass through you.

Also, you can do this with a partner! Take turns giving and receiving touch. If it will help you focus (or if you want to make it steamier), take turns wearing a blindfold so your nerve endings can hone in on the sensations passing over every inch of your body. Use different materials and see what kinds of reactions you have to each; you might even make a game out of it, and attempt to guess what your partner just ran over your arm or your thigh.

When you are doing this, I recommend spending a minimum of 5 minutes to begin to get acclimated to various kinds of newer sensations before moving on to self pleasuring that involves your genitals. If you can spare the time, try to hold out a little bit longer. Once you do reach between your legs, try out some of the novel ideas that were mentioned in my previous post on masturbation. Mix it up every so often, and incorporate new elements into your sure-fire triggers.

Switching it up can be a great self-growth and learning experience! Most of all, have fun with it! And remember to love yourself!